Xiao’s Blog

Don’t think I will ever forget what happened today. I actually had a pretty decent shift today, busy but not overwhelming. But what happened today would not be easily forgotten.

I had TWO patients died on me, literally before me today.

One had a code blue.

Immediately brisk walk to the lift. Saw the ICU registrar sprinting across the corridor. Shit….. My registrar and I started sprinting too, up two floors, and to patient’s side

Unresponsive patient.

I know this patient.

I saw her yesterday. I admitted her.

Asystole.

CPR.

Next thing I know, I was by her side, hands firmly on her 97 y/o frail body, elbows locked, pumping with the weight of my upper body, panting and counting. I’ve never performed a CPR on a real patient.

I’ve always wondered when would be the first time doing it.

I wondered no further.

I recalled seeing her yesterday. Speaking at length with her. It was a simple gastroenteritis. I am pretty sure. Did I miss something? Could be something I have overlooked? No, I was pretty thorough. I am pretty sure. Or am I? Would I have to stand before the coroner after this?

I was snapped back into reality when one of the nurses pulled me back from the CPR.

“Enough! I will hit you if you ever do that to my grandmother! It’s cruel!”

Someone then announced, “Time of death……”

Then the reality started to sink in. She’s gone.

“You alright, Xiao?”
“I am fine. A little bit shaken.”
“Don’t worry. You might be thinking whether you’ve missed anything. I am pretty sure we didn’t.”
“I am not too worried. I am pretty sure I was very thorough,” me putting up a strong front.
“I am confident you did, Xiao. ”

I wanted to say that was the first time I’ve performed CPR on a patient. And this was a patient whom I knew very well.

Unfortunately, she didn’t make it. God bless her soul. May her rest in peace.

The images of her frail body buckling intermittently under the strength of my hands, the weight of my body and heart, I don’t think I will ever forget.

Who would forget the first patient you performed CPR on?

Arrivederci.

I have always aspired to be the voice of logic and sensibility in times of chaos and uncertainties, especially when dealing with strong emotions within myself and even others. I would weigh the situation, the pros and the cons, the various permutations and possiblities before deciding on an action for myself or as advice for others. Sometimes, there would be conflicting thoughts and ideas from the different part of my brain.

As much as I believe in reaping the seeds of hard work for most the things in our life, but I also believe that, in love and relationship, it does not comply with the rule. You can try your hardest and never succeed. And others can succeed without even trying. Confusing huh? I certainly confuse myself sometimes.

Likewise, we should always endure, and persevere to our last breath, to achieve what we want. However, there are times too, that one should know , to give up. That’s one thing that I’ve always struggled with, giving up, because I am such a sore loser, such a strong fighter and a determined worker.

I’ve surprised my friends that I’ve given up so easily, without putting out even a whimper, this time round, when presented an opportunity that would not have materialised in our wildest imagination. Of course for reason best known to me, this is one person whom I trusted very much, whose words I would not doubt. Words are the essence of communication, the foundation on which trusts are built on. That’s why I always say what I mean and I really mean what I say. When she said, she’s in love with someone else, then she’s. Full stop. Nothing shall sway that fact nor her love.

And thus, I fell without even a whimper, brought down by the might of her words, and weighted further by my deep trust and understanding of her person. I might have soldiered on if faced with any other person, but not her. Not her.

I shall slowly meld back into the little star in her vast universe, one that could perhaps only be seen in the darkest of nights, definitely invisible when her sky is so bright.

Sad, I definitely was. Disappointed and angry too, at myself. Giving up has never come so easy, sadly, too easily……

~.~.~.~.~

On a more positive tone, I was on the phone with a friend who used to be a very close friend of mine a long time ago.

She sounded so cheerful and happy that it really warmed my heart, even though things, unfortunately, didn’t work out the way I wanted before.

Nice to hear from her again after such a long time.

~.~.~.~.~

I just caught the movie “The Butterfly Effect” today. Such a coincidence. A very nice movie that touch on choices and consequences of various actions.

~.~.~.~.~

Hmm…. I am still able to write with a bit of literary flair. Kekekekek… Darn proud of myself. Such a genius of me! Muahahaha….. Did a bit of spring cleaning today. Housemate’s still away. Doing some extra shift tomorrow.

Arrivederci.

My colourful housemate had been gone for a few days now, back to her home country to attend to family emergency. Thus, I am left all alone in this large yet comfortable house.

I’ve picked up some extra shifts to do during this holiday, looking to earn some extra cash. Dang, I am a workaholic. Well, I would be going on my annual leave rather early for 2010, in mid May. Thus I gathered I should take this opportunity to earn and save extra money.

~.~.~.~.~

Just came off a 15 hours shift yesterday due to miscommunication on the shift I am to replace.

Some of the lighter moments with my registrar , ET:

ET    : Hmm…Mrs. Davenport, I am pretty sure there is a tennis player that come by this name.
Xiao : You are right…hmmm… I think her name is Linday Davenport.
ET    : That seems to be right. Does sound familiar.
Xiao : Hmmm….. I am pretty sure of it. Don’t think it’s the name of a random porn star. I am pretty sure:p
ET    : *ROTFLOL* You joker…..

Xiao : ET, you seemed to have lost a bit of weight compared to when I first saw you during my rotation.
ET    : Yeah, I did.
Xiao : Had a hard time catching up with me, huh, during this rotation?
ET    : Yeah lor….. you are too awesome.
Xiao : Tell me something I don’t know, boss:p

ET    : What do you think of the Intern of the Year award?
Xiao : As always, this sorta things more often than not, is a popularity contest.
ET    : Eh, I won it before in my intern year leh….
Xiao : Ohhhhh…..I see. It’s DEFINITELY a popularity contest then, boss :p
ET    : Damn you…
Xiao : Hehehehe….

ET    : *cough cough* Eh, I think I am falling sick already. Should call in sick.
Xiao : Don’t worry, boss. Get yourself admitted, I will give you the best treatment.
ET    : Oh really? So what would you do?
Xiao : Definitely! Will take good care of you. You will get everything under the sun and the best too! You will get a 3 way catheter the largest we have. Oh ya need to be thorough too, PR exam won’t do, will get a rigid sig for you….
ET    : Damn you….. you sick fella. Okok..I think I am better edi.
Xiao :

~.~.~.~.~

Shall aim to tidy up the house a little tomorrow. Would be expecting a friend to come over for a short holiday. Gotta plan something and probably book some accomodation.

Arrivederci.

My internship would officially end today on paper. 17th January 2010, the date my internship contract with my current employer, was due to end.

Looking back at my internship, I’ve learned and grown a lot for the last one year. There was a time when I was a fresh graduate out of medical school, where I questioned myself whether I was fit to be a doctor, much less an excellent which I thought I would be. I was offered a job, in place of someone who pulled out of the game, not necessarily because of my ability and CV,  thrown into the deep end at one of the most notorious hospitals in this part of the world.

I survived. I came good. I then became even better:)

I was one who was always up for a challenge,but not for a physical fight though. To be honest, I vaguely remembered my first day of internship for a 6 weeks rotation in the Emergency Department of a small hospital in Gippsland. It was not because I was traumatised, that came later, but it was because the first day was very smooth sailing. That’s the only day of honeymoon period. The 3 weeks that came later really left me questioning my ability as a budding doctor. Harsh comments from consultant, senior nurses questioning your decision. Twice I sobbed at night, doubtful of myself, doubtful of my ability, worried unnecessarily for my patients. But I came good. They wanted me to be better. I wanted to be better too! Perhaps, it was the shooting guard mentality built in me, “If you misses, keep shooting! That’s the only way a shooter would score! ”

I learnt the system there. I learnt to suture, digital block , ring block, read X-ray for fractures, and etc. The harsh comments I got from the various consultants dwindled almost to zero. I learnt how to think, how to decide, and what to do when I am stumped. The experience did give me a quiet confidence that lasted through the year.

The rest of the year did feel like a breeze to me. Talk about baptism by fire at the start. It wasn’t until my 4th rotation, in Colorectal unit, that I realised I’ve grown so much. I was running 30-35 patients on my unit list as the solo intern, majority of the time. It was tough, stressful but I loved my job even more then. The surgical registrars were very impressed at my work in the ward, handling the patients in the wards while they were scrubbed in most of the time in the OT. The downside, I have limited time in OT, I didn’t mind that much, but the few times I was there, I was the primary assistant for a few major surgeries.

The NUMs were very happy too whenever I was on the ward. One of them even gave me a voucher for a coffee at the end of my rotation. I couldn’t help but smile at her simple yet massive gesture. The night resident would always check the schedule to see that I was on for the day, so he would know whether he would be in for a rough night. He would heave a sigh of relief whenever I was on. Before I realised it, I was getting recognition for my hard work. Awesome…..

My last rotation in Respiratory unit was a fun one. The team was awesome. I had an excellent working relationship with both the AT and the registrar. I spent most of my time with ET, the registrar. I enjoyed the fact that he allowed me plenty of freedom to do what I want, guiding me rather than ordering me around. It did feel, at times like two medical registrars or residents working in the same team. He treated me as almost his equal rather than as a registrar-intern relationship. He even occasionally put in cannulas for me, without even me asking! Whenever I cleared my work in the ward, I would head down to ED to help him with admission in the ED. Admissions were so smooth and fun.

Spent the last few weeks covering various odd jobs in the hospital. Everywhere I went, I could tell they love me to be there. I am going to miss this hospital, regardless of its notoriety.

All in all,nternship had been really fun, though humbling in the beginning, just like what I thought it would be and so much more

Officially, I am a medical resident from tomorrow onwards.

Arrivederci.

I am very sad.

I’ve probably lost another major part of me. These few years have been real tough.

Wonder if I should thank God for giving me such a durable and resilient heart so far. Or rather, maybe that’s what my heart is made for this lifetime. This is going to be a long long journey then.

This tough time will pass soon, I hope.

Hope I won’t be afraid to love again.

Arrivederci.

One of the books that caught my eyes while browsing at Kinokuniya in Singapore.

Happy new year to all my readers here! Happy 2010! May we all grow wiser with each passing years.

I have kept this post in my draft for a while now so I thought I might just finish it. How did I spent my new year? Well, at home, nursing the aftershock of diarrhea and vomitting due to overworking my body and mind, aggravated by likely a gastroenteritis virus I picked up.

I wanted to write about my new year resolution for 2010, but not exactly in the mood right now. Shall pen it later.

~.~.~.~.~

After the busy period over Xmas, life’s been real slow. It’s Thursday and I have no idea what I have done over the last one week. I have come to the decision to drive daily to Geelong for probably the first month and see how things go. A distance of 100km and 75 minutes drive, each way. What gives? We looking to get another housemate in, that would reduce the rents both my housemate and I paying at the moment. Of course, that money saved would then go into my car’s petrol.

The plus side, I won’t need to get new furnitures and appliances. I have estimated that could cost me a few grands there. Besides, I have a housemate whom I have enjoyed living with. If the daily drives are too much for me, I would then move to Geelong. It wouldn’t be too late then, I reckon.

~.~.~.~.~

I am currently reading the book pictured above. I found it to be an interesting read. Hmm….. it’s not exactly a book written for just the medical professions. I realised I am irresistible to books of this genre at the moment. Why do we think the way we think? Why do we sometimes act the way we think and sometimes we go by gut feeling? I see myself as a decent chess player, basing my decisions, more often than not, on logics than gut feelings. However, medicine is not a field of numbers and statistics. It’s a field where emotions, morals and relationships are involved. And those are not quantifiable nor measured by any objective means.

I have yet to finish the book but making good pace. The more I read it, the more I think I would be a physician….

That’s all for now folks.

Arrivederci.