I have never dealt with so much hatred before. So much hatred for this one person. So much hatred for myself. So much anger. So much that I want to feel my fists cracking against his smug face, full of pride, with not an ounce of guilt for stabbing me on my back, on more than one occasion. These were mixed with profound sadness that she had made her choice very clear. We are strangers once again. Not only that, she leapt to that son of a bitch’s defense.
So much negative feeling that I feel it chewing away at my soul slowly. Everyday I wake up, I feel there are many great battles roaring in myself. Battle against sorrow. Battle against sadness. Battle against abandonment. Battle against anger. Battle against loneliness. Battle against guilt. Battle against giving up on life and love. Battle against myself.
My time in Australia is slowly becoming a wrenchingly sad journey of my life. I had so much happy memories that it’s incredibly sad for me that I would never experience them again. I have a gut feeling happy times were over so I am pretty sure those times might be the last times I am truly happy.
I wonder if it’s time to move, geographically and career-wise. Move? To where from here? I am so screwed up in my head.
No matter how shit things used to get, I used to be able to force a smile and pick myself up. Nowadays, I would look into the mirror and tried to force a smile and I will break down crying.
Horrible horrible feelings.
No matter how much I cussed at the bastard, the hatred doesn’t seem to fade. And he would carry on living everyday without any remorse. Man, this double whammy is so unfair. Life never is, never meant to be.
And I have to refrain myself for wishing something bad to happen to him. God knows why I would even try to do this. Perhaps as an atonement for my guilt and my mistakes with regards to Dory. And that’s another battle….
I wonder how would this war conclude.