Happy birthday to me

I have just turned 30 yesterday. I have noted, without the power of social network like the Facebook, nobody would care to remember birthdays anymore except for a select few friends who might have bothered to pen in a reminder on their calendar. And of course, my own family.

Priorities change as we grow older, especially those who have started a family. Or those in the relationships, on the way to forming a family. Anyhow, that would be something to talk about on another day.

There is a lot of things in my life today that leave a lot to be desired.

I am single and alone, nowhere close to finding my lifetime partner or forming a family.

I am jobless, I have no full time job at the moment nor for next year. I am bouncing from hospitals to hospitals on short term contracts.

I have failed my physician exams three times, with no certainties where I would go if I do fail it again.

I am untrusting and hateful. After a recent debacle in dealing with some of the closest and dearest people in my life, I do not have the capacity to trust anyone anymore. And I also absolutely hate this one person who was a catalyst. I know I would totally smash him up if I ever see him, that’s why I would minimise contact with this scum as much as possible.

I haven’t been happy since the turn of the year…..on contrary, quite miserable. Even contemplating of taking the easy way out. That would be very easy for me to do, being someone trained in relieving ills, pain and suffering.

I am overweight and unfit.

Yet, the eternal optimist in me just wouldn’t give up.

I am single. Thus I have no commitment at the moment. I can travel the world or do something absolutely crazy or risky without having to think much about leaving a widow or a child behind. Okay, if something does happen, my brothers and parents might have been sad but it wouldn’t be near as bad leaving behind my own growing kid and a single mother.

I don’t have a full time job but I do have a rather lucrative locum stints, bringing to the various rural and regional areas of Australia. In addition, the medicine had been really fun. Let’s not forget in current economic climates, any wages earned is better than having no job at all.

Failing exams. I do not fear failures, for failures occur at a higher rate than success, but I must make sure I do not embrace it. I am going to pass my FRACP in 2015. That would be the promise to myself.

Sometimes, some of us gotta learn things the real hard way. Especially relationships. Particularly relationships. I think I am learning it at the insanely hard level. There is no one sure way to get it right in dealing with people. What should really matter is the consistency of one’s actions and thoughts. If I am to be honest to myself, I have always thought that I have always been giving more to others than I have received. It’s not a good thought, but from my experience, that is exactly what happens. No, there won’t and can’t be a better version of me. I am already on my best and worst behavior.

“Time heals, if it doesn’t, it will always bury.” My own words. I have chanted it for years, like a mantra. Maybe I have done things wrong all these while. I can’t not have hated anyone after so long but it is what it is. Maybe the reason I don’t hate as often is because I would have left a trail of bloods and broken bones. Anyhow, slowly but surely, everybody gotta move on.

Rather than sitting down and crying alone over things, on my birthday, the rare one day where I haven’t been working or studying all these years, I went out to buy myself a small birthday cake.

There was no song sung. No gift to open. No wishes apart from my immediate family and three other friends. No candle lit or blown either. However, I am a stubborn person. I refused to feel sad. Not on this day. I ate my birthday cake, which actually tasted quite good, and made a wish for things to be better for me and the few people that had been down in the dumps lately, over the coming year. I was rather superstitious, by doing those, it shall be a new start for me and of me, for better times ahead.

Rather than buying the PS4 I have been thinking off, I actually went to the sports shop and got myself a couple of sweat shirts, glove, resistance band and shorts. I did actually head to the gym too yesterday for some exercises. Finally after 2 years after my knee surgery, I actually think and feel my legs are getting stronger. It is never too late to get my priorities in life right.

Friendships are overrated. All human are selfish by nature. My thoughts along those lines had never been clearer. The day that was before, could not have personified those words, any better. The funny thing is why had it been taking me so long to realise that?

Alright. Enough banter. Time to go back to my immunology studies.

In no particular order,

I wish for my beloved Granma to live her probably limited days on earth, happily.
I wish for Rachel and Aiesha to keep winning their battles against the big C.
I wish for my brothers to be successful in their careers and happy in their lives.
And the same wish I made every year, may my birthdays to come be spent with someone who means a lot to me and whom I love.

Salute, mi familia.

Arrivederci.

Sunday…..

It’s been nearing 6 years since I have left university. Here I am at one of the local cafe/bar in Gero, invited by one of those ever-innocent and carefree medical students, as she would be singing/performing live in the bar.

Seeing them working and hanging out together, made me look back upon my university, my college and my high school life. Friends whom I had sweated, bled and laughed a lot with. I was considered an academic overachiever, yet I valued my friends a lot. I often made time. I often made effort to be the best person I could be, the best friend one could have. Yet looking back, perhaps, I must have made a major mistake somewhere. Because here I am, thousands of miles from some of the closest people in my life, just like an island.

Perhaps I didn’t do enough. Perhaps I didn’t make enough time or effort. Perhaps this is how things are always going to be, no matter how hard I try to. Regardless, as I learned, friends come and go in and out of our life. Those who were lucky enough would have a love or started a family in their life, that would lend a degree of permanence. The even luckier ones would have a successful career as well.

Regardless, I think I would just enjoy sipping my coffee and listening to a very good live performance by these ever innocent and possibly smarter (one day) medical students.

Arrivederci.

I despise you, Aaron.

I have never dealt with so much hatred before. So much hatred for this one person. So much hatred for myself. So much anger. So much that I want to feel my fists cracking against his smug face, full of pride, with not an ounce of guilt for stabbing me on my back, on more than one occasion. These were mixed with profound sadness that she had made her choice very clear. We are strangers once again. Not only that, she leapt to that son of a bitch’s defense.

So much negative feeling that I feel it chewing away at my soul slowly. Everyday I wake up, I feel there are many great battles roaring in myself. Battle against sorrow. Battle against sadness. Battle against abandonment. Battle against anger. Battle against loneliness. Battle against guilt. Battle against giving up on life and love. Battle against myself.

My time in Australia is slowly becoming a wrenchingly sad journey of my life. I had so much happy memories that it’s incredibly sad for me that I would never experience them again. I have a gut feeling happy times were over so I am pretty sure those times might be the last times I am truly happy.

I wonder if it’s time to move, geographically and career-wise. Move? To where from here? I am so screwed up in my head.

No matter how shit things used to get, I used to be able to force a smile and pick myself up. Nowadays, I would look into the mirror and tried to force a smile and I will break down crying.

Horrible horrible feelings.

No matter how much I cussed at the bastard, the hatred doesn’t seem to fade. And he would carry on living everyday without any remorse. Man, this double whammy is so unfair. Life never is, never meant to be.

And I have to refrain myself for wishing something bad to happen to him. God knows why I would even try to do this. Perhaps as an atonement for my guilt and my mistakes with regards to Dory. And that’s another battle….

I wonder how would this war conclude.

Goodbye.

Stranger once again

Dory and I had not spoken to each other for almost 2 weeks now. I had not seen her for more than 2 months now. She stopped texting me a couple of days ago. Last night, she removed me from her Facebook account. Needless to say, I have been very down and sad.

I had anticipated this happening since a while ago. But going through it has not been easy. She had been my closest confidante and friend. She had been such a great person to me. She had been more than a friend to me. I miss her and i will miss her for times to come.

Right now, I am on a bus heading to the airport alone for another locum stint in another town in another state. So much uncertainties yet all i can think of was the great times i had with Dory.

I miss her. I will miss her. I miss us. But today, i am not planning to cry. It wouldn’t change anything.

We are strangers once again.

I am so sad that we have come to this. Not sure how long this heaviness in my chest is going to last….